


Make it stop!

by blackeyedsoul



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Donna is not the solution, Harvey goes back, M/M, Panic Attacks, Season/Series 05, She is not even the reason, Therapy, marvey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:11:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4235034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackeyedsoul/pseuds/blackeyedsoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what I'd like to happen :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make it stop!

**Author's Note:**

> So, while I am working on a longer fic since forever and it just refuses to form in my head the way I want it to- a little plot bunny came my way and made me write something at last!  
> The avid Marvey reader might recognize a little something I nicked from the Queen of Marvey and my dearest Beta [sal_si_puedes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sal_si_puedes/pseuds/sal_si_puedes).  
> She meekly and mildly granted her permission. I made her suffer through my very rusty writing abilities and she was very patient with me- as always!

“Harvey, I did not expect to see you here again”, the blonde woman with the British accent smiled at him from behind her desk before she raised and walked around it to shake his hand. “It's been two weeks since our last appointment and you didn't come back."

Harvey took the offered hand but did not look at her when he admitted, a hint of annoyance in his words:  
“It happened again.”

Dr. Agard nodded understandingly and walked over to her chair. Before she sat down she turned back to Harvey who was still standing there, indecisively.

“Have a seat, Harvey.”

Yes, that’s what he was here for, Harvey reminded himself. He had come back, he had to sit down and he had to do something about his … issues.

Dr. Agard leaned forward a bit and looked at Harvey for a moment before she asked inquired:

“Why didn't you come back? I gave you medication for one week.”

Despite his best intentions Harvey immediately felt defensive:

“I didn't take it. I did what you told me. I accepted Donna is gone, I even hired a new secretary and I threw the pills away. It felt good, really, everything was fine. And then two days ago…”

His hands rested on his knees and automatically clenched into fists when he thought back. She noticed that…of course she did.

“You had another panic attack.”

“Yeah,” Harvey willed his fists to open again and this time he put his hands loosely on his lap.  
“And now you are afraid again, afraid enough to come here.”

“Yeah… I don't want that to happen to me. I feel like I have no control over my body, like it keeps on betraying me. I want it gone.”

She exhaled in defeat.

“Harvey, you are an intelligent man and the fact that you came to me in the first place shows that you understand the principle of what is happening. You know that these episodes are linked to your subconscious and your feelings even though you don’t want to admit it.” 

Harvey nodded. Slowly. Reluctantly. Yes, he knew but he did not want to.

“We can only find out what is really going on if you talk to me properly. Maybe the situation with Donna was just the first and most obvious thing we found and we overlooked something else.”

Harvey nodded again.

“Okay, so we know quite well when the panic attacks started. Tell me again what you remember about the first time. What happened around you?”

Harvey exhaled deeply. He had already told her everything he remembered. This was worse than a police interrogation! Did she look for inconsistencies in his story? He did not know what else to tell her but he since had decided to come here it seemed only plausible that he made use of his time.

“It was the first morning after Donna told me she would leave. It was as crazy as every day except without Donna it was a bit more chaotic. I forgot my first meeting and Jessica had to remind me.  
I couldn’t even find my calendar and in that moment it began to dawn on me that maybe managing my day without Donna could be a problem.  
After the meeting Mike came to my office and told me he got engaged and I told him to get me the information I needed, there was no time for ...”

“Wait," she interrupted, obviously curious about something.

“Mike is your colleague? You mentioned him before but we never talked about him.”

Harvey shrugged. Impatience threatened to take over. He had to remind himself once more, that he had come here willingly and because he needed help.

“There is not much to tell. He is… was my associate, now he doesn’t exclusively work for me anymore. I hired him a couple of years ago and we work well together. He is some kind of a genius.”

She raised her eyebrow in surprise.

"No, I mean literally. He has an eidetic memory and that makes him something close to unstoppable."

“So you like him then?”

“What do you mean? Of course I do. I hired him, I taught him and he keeps up with me. So yes, I like him.”

“That seems to be something rather rare. I mean do you have many friends or people you care about? How big is your inner circle?”

“Not very big,” Harvey agreed.

Harvey was not completely sure where this was going but the way she stretched the word “friends” slightly did not please him. 

“So the day of your first panic attack Mike told you he got engaged.”

Harvey glared at her.

"What exactly are you implying?"

Dr. Agard scribbled something into the notebook she held on her knees today and Harvey did not like this one bit, it made him feel uncomfortable.

"I am implying nothing, Harvey. I simply stated a fact but judging by your reaction you think that there is something worth of being implied…"

"That's ridiculous," he spat.

"If you say so, Harvey. Panic attacks can be conjured by feelings you bottle up. Your subconsciousness wants to tell you that there is something you need to deal with.”

“Then we have to look somewhere else, because it sure as hell isn’t Mike Ross.”

“Okay. So tell me about your last panic attack. What happened?”

Yes, what had happened? Harvey thought about it for a while.

Nothing really. He had been working in his office and it had been late already, some time s around 10 in the evening.  
Everything had been quiet and like most evenings Mike had approached his office at some point probably to tell him he was leaving. Harvey remembered having noticed Mike walking towards his office and suddenly it had happened again.  
At first his skin had started to crawl, a tingling feeling that had told him something was happening and the little tingling had been enough to set his body into alarm mode. Before he had been able to think or to do something about it his heart had started racing and his sweaty hands had started shaking. The fact that he had known Mike would be there any second and see it, had made everything even worse.  
Harvey remembered his hands desperately clinging to his desk while he had been trying to breathe, to fight it off just long enough until Mike would have been gone. He remembered having stared at his laptop, hoping desperately Mike would take it for concentration and he had made a few unintelligible sounds until Mike had finally turned around and left.

“What did you do then?”

Harvey pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking back to the horrible moment he had wanted to avoid so badly.

“Mike came back because he had forgotten something in my office but I wasn't able to fight it any longer and I fled to the bathroom. I didn't care anymore. I just had to leave.”

“Did Mike follow you?”

“Of course he did!" Harvey scoffed in fake annoyance. “And he stayed with me the whole time. He made me breathe, helped me not to pass out and he even threw Klyman out of the bathroom to keep him from seeing me.” „Klyman didn’t take it very well,“ Harvey added mockingly.

“What happened next?”

“Mike brought me home, for god’s sake! He even tucked me in and stayed with me until I fell asleep…”

“And how did you feel about that?”

„How do you think I felt?” despite this whole thing being his own idea Harvey had enough.

"I think our time is up. I have to go now."

She knew better than trying to stop Harvey.

“Okay, Harvey. Come back any time. I am afraid this will keep on happening.”

Harvey rushed outside. Was she kidding him? Mike was engaged…so what? What did that have to do with anything?

Harvey stomped back to the office using the walk to cool down and get ready for work again. He sure as hell would not go back.

Of course it was too late. The seed had been planted in his mind and Harvey could not stop going back there and thinking about it. He cursed his decision to see the shrink and he cursed her for dragging him back to a place he thought he had left behind for good. 

 

*****

The next week Harvey slumped into Dr. Agard's sofa.

"I am not gay."

"I never said you where, Harvey."

"So, Mike Ross…"

"Okay, so now we are talking about him!? I am really curious to hear about your genius."

Harvey went there… He went there and started talking. For one hour he told her about Mike Ross. Well, he left out the part with Mike not really being a lawyer but he told her about how they met and how he hired him on the spot and he told her about Mike's brilliant ideas and how they worked together from day one like they had never done anything else and he talked about how much they both liked movies and how Mike could just quote anything and he talked for sixty minutes straight. Without realizing the small smile that never left his lips.

“Harvey, do you think there is any other person in your life that you could talk about for one hour? Even Donna?”

Harvey shook his head, the motion almost invisible, but it didn't matter. They both knew the answer to that question.

“Shit! This is… this is… no. He is... _was_ my associate, he is engaged to Rachel Zane, he is… well… male!”

"Is that what scares you the most? Are you afraid of being gay?"

Was it? Was that his problem? Maybe it _had_ been in the beginning, at the very start, when he had realized that there was something and yes, maybe that had made him hesitate for far too long, until Rachel had come into Mike's life and had given him the perfect excuse to do nothing ever since.

"I don't know... but it is too late now anyway. There is nothing I can do."

Dr. Agard closed her notebook.

“You don't have to do anything, not right away, and not if you don't want to. For now it is a very big step that you realized you have feelings for Mike. I assume deep down you have been aware how you feel for a long time but you did not admit it to yourself let alone to somebody else. Our time is up, Harvey. You can come back whenever you need.”

 

*****

This time, Harvey took his time walking back to the office.  
She was right, he had always known what Mike meant to him, deep down he had always felt what he wanted Mike to be to him but the thought had been too new, too outrageous and finally too dangerous the second Mike had started something with Rachel.  
Harvey had banned the feelings as far as possible and he had tried to get used to those he couldn’t ban.  
Like the tightening in his chest when Mike smiled this particular smile, wide and open and happy with sparkling blue eyes, or the twist his stomach made when Mike came up with some brilliant plan making conclusions faster than he had ever seen anyone doing or the warm, content feeling that spread in his chest when they settled in his office for an all-nighter. When he was alone with Mike buried in work, sleeves rolled up to their elbows, plowing through files, ordering Chinese food and just being there together.

Now that he had spoken about it, had given it a name and acknowledged its presence before a witness he was unable to put his feelings back in their box. He went back to staring at Mike whenever he felt unobserved. Something he hadn’t done in years! He was back at thinking about Mike when he was alone and he tortured himself with thinking about where he might be at that moment and what he might do. He knew Mike was with Rachel and he caught himself thinking how much he’d like it to have him there with him.

While his heart returned to Mike Ross he put as much space between them as possible. Harvey had done this before, every time he had not trusted himself around Mike anymore, every time he had been too close to start acting on his stupid feelings, and he had always stayed away until he had been able to carry on.

The problem with that was that their friendship had never stopped evolving and the days where Mike had been afraid to come to Harvey’s door or could be impressed by a dark scowl where long gone.

For three days Harvey had gotten away with compartmentalizing himself.

The knock on his door, the third evening of Harvey’s self-prescribed retreat, had been inevitable.

“Harvey, I want to talk to you.”

It was Mike, of course it was Mike, and he would not go away.

"I can hear your phone buzzing."

Mike had called his cell to prove Harvey was home. The little shit! Harvey pushed himself off the sofa where he had settled with a glass of Scotch and opened the door. He turned away quickly, walking back into his living room without looking at Mike.

"What do you want?"

It did not sound as repellent as he had planned but it did not matter. Mike would enter either way, and he did, closing the door behind him.

“You barely spoke to me since the other night and I wonder why. Please don’t tell me you’re embarrassed or something like that. I really thought we were past this. You know that I know you are human, right?” 

Mike had come closer during his little speech, stopping barely three steps away from Harvey, looking at him with a mixture of concern and confusion but clearly adamant to get answers.

Harvey really could not have him there with him. He was not ready to talk to him in private. 

He tried to reassure Mike to get rid of him as soon as possible.

“Mike, it’s all fine. Everything is alright. I was just busy.”

Mike was not convinced.

“Bullshit, Harvey. Something is going on and you don’t want to talk about it. Did you have more episodes?”

So he was just worried, more reassurance would surely make him go away.

“No. Not since then. Mike, it’s okay, really. I realized the problem and I am working on it.”

“Okay… and what exactly is the problem?”

"Shit, Mike. Can you just let it go and leave me alone?" Harvey snapped. 

“Harvey, I want to help you! I am here for you… you can talk to me, you know that, right?”

Too close… Mike was far too close! Harvey put some more space between them by turning around to busy himself with making a drink. For a few moments silence filled the dimly lit apartment. Only the sound of the opening scotch bottle and then the pouring liquid filled the air.

“Are you trying to get rid of me? What did I do?”

Harvey squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, taking advantage of the fact that Mike wasn't able to see his face.

“Nothing Mike… you did nothing…” Silence, again.

Why on earth wouldn't he just go away and leave him alone?

“Mike, I can’t, I can’t do this right now," he practically yelled, spinning around and glaring at Mike. 

But Mike wasn’t having any of it.

“What the fuck, Harvey? Are you trying to intimidate me? I won’t leave just because you yell at me… Why do you always put up a fight when it comes to talking about you? I don’t take this shit, why are there always all those walls to tear down before I can get to you! Don’t you get it? I am here.”

“No you are not!” Harvey yelled for real this time and then it was too late. He had said to much.

“What do you mean?” Mike’s voice was very calm now, only the little squint in his eyes gave away that he could not believe his ears.

Harvey stared at Mike. His fingers ran through his hair as he tried to collect himself again, tried to raise enough courage to spit it out. His voice trembled when he finally managed to speak.

“You are not here for me, Mike…not the way I want you to be.”

Silence. Complete and utter silence.

Mike stared at him in shock.

The second those traitorous words rolled off his tongue he knew it. He had ruined everything. With this confession he had ruined everything between them. Harvey had to avert his eyes, he was not able to meet Mike's stare any longer.

Mike did not speak. He just stood there. Rooted to the spot at Harvey’s kitchen counter and Harvey was scared of what would be coming now, too paralyzed to do something while he witnessed realization dawning on Mike's face.

Finally Mike took a deep breath before he pressed his lips together so tightly they formed two white lines.

Harvey swallowed hard against the knot in his throat, preparing for Mike to freak out and yell at him or storm out and never talk to him again.

“Why now?”

Mike’s voice was toneless, so faint that Harvey almost didn’t hear his words, and it took him one second and another one until the fact that Mike had spoken reached his brain and another moment before the content of Mike’s words arrived there, too. Yet he was not able to force his lips to move, he just stared at Mike who was staring back at him.

When Mike realized there would not be an answer he cocked his head slightly and repeated his question more insisting this time.

“Harvey, why are you telling me this _now_?”

Now? What did he mean? What was Mike telling him?

“What do you mean, now?” Harvey challenged.

“What do I…..”, Mike rang for words “What do I mean? You really have no idea, do you? You really did not realize? He ran his fingers through his hair. “Harvey, I was so in love with you, I could barely keep it up. I suffered through my heartache for months until I somehow managed to accept that it was stupid, that you are Harvey Specter and that I had to get a grip on myself and work for you and stop killing myself over wanting you! I somehow managed to move on, to stop hurting, to start a life with Rachel…and now… _now_?”

With every word that left Mike's lips Harvey felt more strength leaving his body, breathing suddenly too hard to manage against the tightness in his chest.  
He had fucked it up! Everything! Not with his confession, no! With doing nothing! With his stupid fears and hesitation he had hurt them both.

And now Mike stood there in front of him, looking defeated and lost. The beautiful blue eyes he loved so much filled with tears. Mike didn't cry but Harvey was able to see the moisture pooling there and it killed him, it hurt him more than he could fathom. He had never intended to hurt Mike like that.

It seemed like an eternity of silence before Harvey finally found the strength to move closer. Mike did not move away. Harvey was not even sure if he recognized him standing there. Mike leaned heavily on the marble counter top, his head hanging between his shoulders and his inner turmoil achingly visible.

“You _were_ in love with me?”

Mike raised his head slowly.

Harvey's heart was pounding, it hurt in his chest because he knew if Mike looked at him now his life would change right there, right there in that very moment. He was barely able to breathe at all when Mike’s eyes met his. The wave of feelings hit him hard and took away every bit of his reservation. The world just faded away, leaving behind nothing but Mike.

Harvey took Mike’s face into his hands, oh god, he had wanted to do that for so long, and he managed nothing more than ha toneless whisper. “I am sorry…. Mike I am so sorry… I was stupid… please, please don’t let it be too late,” That was all he was able to utter before the need to finally, finally kiss Mike’s lips overwhelmed him.

His hands trembled around Mike’s face and his heart seemed to beat in his throat when their lips touched. Everything stopped for a breathless moment when nothing happened, only a motionless touch of their lips and his thoughts whispering 'please, please, please, stay, stay with me', until he could feel Mike increasing the pressure ever so slightly. That was all Harvey needed. He carefully licked at the seam of Mike’s lips, desperate to taste him, and Mike let him in.

He opened his lips for Harvey’s tongue and Harvey could not help a low moan when he finally licked into Mike’s mouth, when their tongues met and Mike kissed him back. Mike was kissing him. Bliss. Nothing else.

Mike slipped one arm around Harvey’s waist and his other hand came to rest on Harvey’s neck to deepen the kiss, to draw him closer, as close as possible, and Harvey took the invitation, pressed Mike against the counter and slung his arms around his body to pull him flush against him and they kissed, kissed desperately until Harvey had no air left in his lungs and broke free for one moment.

They were both panting hard, fighting for air. Harvey rested his forehead against Mike's, needing a moment to regain control. 

"I cannot believe,” he whispered, “you're here… this is real… I…"

Mike drew away just enough to be able to look at him and he smiled. His hand wandered from Harvey's nape to his cheek, thumbing over Harvey's swollen lips.

"I am and I always was and I would have been any time you would have wanted me to be. I can't help it, Harvey… I never stopped loving you and I know it would have never gone away completely… never."

Harvey had no words, he only grabbed Mike again and kissed him with all his might, hoping that Mike would understand.

Soon kissing was not enough. Arousal claimed Harvey's body like a wildfire, he wanted Mike closer, naked, skin on skin, and there was not even room for the thought that he had never undressed another man. It didn’t matter… this was Mike, this was all he wanted. Without stopping their kiss he pushed Mike’s jacket off his shoulders and started to loosen his tie. As fast as he could manage the tie was gone and he reached for the buttons of Mike’s shirt.

That’s when Mike broke free from their kiss, wrapped on hand around the side of Harvey’s neck and looked at him, pupils already blown wide and eyes glassy. “I want you so much,” he rasped. “Harvey! I can’t tell you…”

"I know..."

Wordlessly Harvey took Mike by the hand and crossed the room, leading him into the bedroom where he kissed him again. He finished what he had started and Mike’s shirt fell to the floor, quickly followed by his own.

As soon as the shirts were gone Harvey pushed Mike back another step and lowered them onto the bed. He started kissing along Mike’s jawline and down his throat, amazed by how good it felt and how amazing Mike’s skin smelled and tasted. He licked and kissed his way down to Mike’s chest and savored every moan Mike made under his touch.

He would have never believed it but he was eager to see Mike completely naked, to touch his clearly visible erection and to feel Mike’s hand on his own throbbing dick. He palmed Mike through his trousers and a loud pant rewarded his action.

Mike bucked his hips and thrust up into his hand. “Oh my god, Harvey, please.”

And Harvey obeyed immediately. He kissed Mike again while his hand made quick work of Mikes fly and he pushed everything down as fast as he could manage with one hand and half on top of Mike but he was not willing to move away, not even for three seconds.

Mike’s hands had slipped into Harvey’s waistband and Harvey lifted himself up a bit to make it possible for Mike to shove his trousers down as well. Moments later they were both completely naked and Mike’s hot erection rubbed against his own. They were both already wet with precome and the liquid mixed between their bellies when Harvey started a hungry rhythm, rolling his hips and rubbing their cocks together.

“You feel so good, Mike… I still can’t believe I have you here with me,” Harvey breathed against Mike's ear, tasting more of his skin.

“Yeah, I know…Harvey, I can’t hold back…I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“I know.” 

Harvey squeezed one hand between their joined bodies and locked eyes with Mike before he took them both into his hand. He wanted to feel Mike come and he wanted Mike to feel what he did to him.

Mike's eyes grew wide when Harvey's hand closed around him and he moaned loudly and god, was that hot. Harvey could not believe how much he wanted to see Mike come undone.

Harvey stroked them both, mixing their precome together and sliding his thumb over Mike’s sensitive slit. Hearing Mike moan over and over again drove him crazy with want and he knew Mike was close, just as close as he was.

“Yes, Mike… oh god… I want to make you come… want to feel you come.”

And Mike went rigid in his arms, his hips jerking uncontrollably, and then Harvey could feel Mike’s hot come spurting between them and over his hand and his own dick and that send him over the cliff as well.

“Mike!”

He was faintly aware they just clung to each other as they came; he heard his name falling from Mike's lips again and again while his own body was shaking violently.

They stayed like that for a long time, long enough that Mike slipped from Harvey’s hand at some point and their come turned cold and sticky between them.

Being with Mike apparently had the power of stopping his world if only for a few minutes. 

Afterwards, when they were able to move again, the bubble would burst and the consequences of their actions would inevitably catch up with them, but for now Harvey’s world was whole.


End file.
